apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
