She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
