I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
