I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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