Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
