Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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