dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
