I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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