That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
