What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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