I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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