phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
