so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
