I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
