I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
