Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
