I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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