anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I supernannyed him into submission
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
