Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
