She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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