its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
