does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
