And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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