I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
