my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Every concussion has its silver lining
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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