I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
