so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
