Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
