Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
