FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
