If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
