Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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