I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just forgot I was standing up.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
