Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
