I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I need moral support for this bender
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
