just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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