i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
