He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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