yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
