kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just found a bag of teeth...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
