The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
