I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
