my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize