Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize