Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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