At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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