Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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