id be glad to
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
