i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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