I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
