I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
