Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
