yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
